


Oh my god, I love him

by glennthewalmartguy



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Ficlet, I love him, Jack Zimmermann's Overdose, M/M, Not all that kind to bad bob, Oblivious Jack Zimmermann, One Shot, Pining Eric Bittle, Sad Jack Zimmermann, Short One Shot, Timeline: after they get friendly and before Parse, basically just Goodbye for the Summer but not on graduation day, discussions of anxiety, discussions of overdose, doesnt actually reflect my opinions on bad bob, the kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 19:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18482509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glennthewalmartguy/pseuds/glennthewalmartguy
Summary: Jack finds himself spiraling alone in his room during a Kegster. To calm himself, he goes out on the roof to enjoy the quiet and look at the stars.Bitty has been partying and baking all night, but he wants to relax when the party just keeps going. He goes out on the roof to enjoy the quiet alone, but he isn't complaining when he finds Jack out there instead of nothing.





	Oh my god, I love him

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a lot of dialogue and it really does talk a lot abt anxiety, so be conscious if that triggers you.

It happened one night during a Kegster. Jack had spent less than an hour sitting by his door, thinking about going downstairs but never actually doing it. Then, he worked on his thesis for a bit. It wasn’t due for a while, but Jack always loved to get his work done early. He’d learned in high school that, if he didn’t get started early on every project, his anxiety would stop him from doing it at all. Eventually, he had written enough to be slightly ahead of his schedule. And it was still loud downstairs. It was late, and he should be sleeping, but the noise was starting to make him itch. He could probably text Shitty and he would at least quiet down on the music a little bit, but he didn’t want to bother anyone. The people making all that noise down there seemed to be having fun, Jack just wished that parties didn’t make his skin crawl. Pretty quickly, and without realizing it, he let himself fall down a hole. He was never going to be normal. He would never be like everyone else, he could never be happy doing that. Eventually, everyone he knew and loved would realize that he was boring and leave him alone. He would never get drafted if he couldn’t handle a fucking house party-

But Jack knew these thoughts well. He knew how to deal with them, when they appeared. And when he finally caught himself, he did deal. He was a good hockey player. His friends loved him for who he was. They wouldn’t leave him. Even though he could stop the thoughts, the anxious feeling still ate at his chest. So, he went out on the roof. It was quieter out there. The air was cooler and the breeze made him feel nice. Once on the roof, he was able to calm his breathing a bit more. He felt truly relaxed after a couple minutes, so he stayed on the roof. It was just the right temperature outside. Jack felt so calm, even, that he didn’t start when the window to Bitty’s room opened and he crawled out on there with him.

~

The Kegster was lasting a bit long for Bitty’s tastes, even for a kegster. He had spent about half of the night baking and the other half talking to a bunch of thoroughly drunk people. He’d tapped out after a few sips of tub juice that night because he wasn’t feeling it, so it was really entertaining for him to watch all of these people act like fools and not care one bit for their reputations. And even though Bitty wasn’t drunk himself, the energy kinda carried over. If no one else in the room is going to remember what you do, why bother making yourself look nice? He’d danced around and let himself fall apart until he got tired.

During his first week at the Haus, Bitty’d had a bit of trouble adjusting. It was never really quiet, not until the late hours of the night. But he noticed around the third night that his window opened up to the roof, and he could climb out onto it. The world was always still there, and the noise of the Haus was muffled in a peaceful way once you got out in the open air. Bitty didn’t go out there real often, since he wasn’t a huge fan of heights, but he did appreciate sitting on the roof on nights like this one. When the noise got too much at a party, or when he was avoiding doing homework and almost everyone else was asleep.

Bitty crawled out onto the roof as soon as he got in his room. He didn’t think it was quite cold enough to justify a jacket, so he went through his window trusting his shirt and those few sips of tub juice to keep him warm. He fully expected to be alone, but Jack was also there on the roof. He looked… peaceful.

“Oh!” Bitty said, “I didn’t realize anyone else would wanna be out here, I can go back inside, if you want?” Jack turned to look at him and smiled gently.

“No,” he said, “come sit.”

~

Bitty looked hesitant to come sit with him. Jack understood that. They were friends, but that weren’t all that close. They didn’t spend much alone time together. Jack still felt at ease when Bitty sat down beside him and sighed.

“Lord,” he said, “this Haus party is just going on forever!” Jack smiled back at him.

“Yeah, it sure is, Bits,” Jack said. Bitty looked up at him.

“Don’t you have a paper or something to do?”

“Yeah, but I’m a bit ahead of schedule. Working was making me anxious, I let myself have a break.”

“Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come out here and spoil your peace and quiet. I can go right on inside.” Bitty moved to stand up, but Jack stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Bitty sat back down.

“No,” Jack mumbled, “you aren’t ruining anything. I like having you out here.” Bitty blushed and settled back in beside Jack.

“You mind if I ask you something, then?”

“Go on.”

“Why don’t you ever come down to the Kegsters with us? We miss our captain something awful down there.”

“I just…” Jack paused to collect his thoughts. Bitty waited patiently. For some reason, that made Jack feel warm.

“I don’t like loud noises and places, or places with a lot of people.” Bitty nodded.

“So, everything that exists at a Kegster?” he laughed. Jack smiled a little and nodded in response. There was a beat of silence. If Jack listened hard enough, he could still hear the music from the party.

“I think that’s just fine. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and not pushing your limits too much. Sometimes I worry that you put just about anything over your own feelings.”

“Yeah… maybe.” Bitty looked Jack in the eyes. Normally, Jack avoided eye contact, but with Bitty he didn’t want to look away.

Jack continues, “I just need to be really good.” Luckily, Bitty understood what he means by that.

“I think you need to be happy.” They both pause again. Bitty smiled, then his eyes light up like he’s remembered something. “Oh my lord, Jack, Shitty did the craziest thing! This freshman from the civil engineering college tried to go upstairs with her girlfriend and she just would not back down. So Shitty got a big ‘ole cup of tub juice and poured it on her shoes! She lost her ever-loving mind at him, I swear. I’ve never seen a girl go so red so fast. Her girlfriend to carry her away-” Bits kept talking for a few minutes while Jack listened. He noticed pretty quickly that he really liked listening to Bitty tell stories. He moved his hands around a lot and he used a lot of emotion in his voice. Eventually, though, he ran out of stories to tell about the Kegster. He quieted down and Jack layed down on the roof so he could stare at the stars. Bitty joined him.

“I like your stories,” Jack almost whispered.

“Why thank you, sweetpea. Most people find them a tad annoying.”

“I think they’re nice.”

“Do you have any stories to tell, Mr. Zimmerman?” Jack looked over to find Bitty doing the same thing. He searched Jack’s eyes for a moment as Jack thought.

“You know I overdosed.” Jack immediately felt sick for saying that. It was too much of a tone change. He should have thought of something else to say or just said no. But Bitty didn’t recoil or even look shocked. He just nodded, serious.

“Yeah. Do you want to talk about that?”

“It.... it was the night before the draft. I think I was already having a bad time because of my dad. He wasn’t… outright rude or anything. He just wasn’t really there. I was seventeen and I really wanted to make him proud. It wasn’t his fault, though…” Jack trailed off, wondering if he should tell Bitty this next part. The part that only his parents knew.

“Then Kent came over.” Bitty knit his eyebrows together.

“Kent Parson?”

“Yeah… he, uh. Told me that we should stop seeing each other.” Jack waited for Bitty to process that information. He sort of expected him to ask questions about the obvious declaration, but he just said,

“The night before the draft?”

“Yeah.”

“What an ass.”

“And then I started having a panic attack, a really bad one. And I just really needed to stop panicking because the draft was tomorrow. So I took my anxiety medication. And it didn’t help fast enough, so I took more. And then I woke up in the hospital.” Suddenly, Bitty had his arms around Jack’s shoulders and his head on Jack’s chest. He didn’t say anything.

“I think my dad was disappointed, but he wasn’t as distant after my overdose.” Bitty returned to his previous spot.

“Coach never really liked me much. I don’t think he expected a son like me when he found out he was having one. I was a figure skater, I baked, I talked a lot, I liked to gossip with the church ladies, and I really hated baseball. I think he was disappointed in me from the moment I was born.

“He didn’t want a gay son. I never talked to him much growing up. I mean, for fuck’s sake, I call him ‘Coach’ and he’s my father. He wants me to be something I’m not.”

Jack spoke with strong conviction, “He’s an idiot.” Bitty smiled sadly at Jack, then he shivered.

“Good lord, it sure does get cold out here, doesn’t it?” Jack sat up and took off his jacket. He handed it to Bitty, who tried to push it away.

“No, honey, I can’t take that from you.”

Jack insisted. “I’m Canadian, Bittle. I’m fine.” Finally, Bitty just took the jacket and put it on. They laid down again. Jack looked at the stars and sighed.

“I don’t ever want to stop feeling calm.”

“Do you think that a lot, Jack?”

“Not really, not anymore… I mean I’ve had anxiety my whole life. It isn’t fun, but I’m used to it at this point, just…”

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes I get kinda sad that I won’t ever get better.” Jack felt awkward, suddenly. He didn’t talk about this. He didn’t feel like this when other people were around. He tensed his shoulders and swallowed.

“But you have gotten better.” Bitty turned onto his side and flung an arm over Jack’s chest. It was gentle and calmly intimate. Jack turned to look at him. He seemed so sincere.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you’ve gotten better. From when I first met you, you seem better. I mean, you’re not cured by any means, that’s not how this whole anxiety thing works, right? But you’re dealing with it. You’ve got your medication, and a therapist. You’ve got yourself a routine. Last year you really didn’t deal well with a lot of things. A game loss, a messed up paper, something going wrong, a lot made you panic. You seem to… cope better now?” Jack stared at Bitty. He was so close. For some reason, Jack felt like he needed to get closer.

“Thank you,” he whispered. Bittle’s speech wasn’t perfect by any means. He didn’t have anxiety and he didn’t know the right words. But it was genuine. It made Jack feel better about his thoughts. He did know how to handle it more easily now. Without his brain’s permission, Jack yawned. He felt tired, suddenly.

“Bittle,” he said, yawning again, “I should get to bed.” Bitty nodded, but he looked sad. He picked his arm up off Jack’s chest and rolled over onto his back. Jack sat up and awkwardly pat Bitty’s shoulder before standing and crawling back in his window. 

He sat on his bed and tried to think. Why did he feel so empty? It felt different than his usual anxiety. He felt… lonely? Jack felt lonely without Bitty. Then, it happened.

“Oh my god.”

~

Bitty crawled back in through his window. While he and Jack talked for over an hour, the party had stopped. While he and Jack had sat together… alone and calm. Holy shit, Jack wasn’t straight! Bitty had had to hold down so much after Jack told him. He thought he was going to explode, but he held it in. Because Jack had trusted him with something personal, and he didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.

There had been so many times out there that he had just wanted to do something. He wanted to grab Jack’s hands or kiss him or confess his feelings, but he held that back, too. Bitty started crying, alone in his room. It was almost worse to know that Jack could like him back, he just didn’t. Bitty felt so lonely. He knew that he should just try and get over Jack. Jack wasn’t the kind of guy to go after Bitty. Jack was tall and handsome and he was so smart. Bitty was just Jack’s teammate. Maybe, now, he was just his friend. He wouldn’t be more than that, so he would just have to suck it up and spend time with Jack.

But, fuck, it hurt so much to sit out there with him. Jack just always looked so sincere when he looked into Bitty’s eyes or handed him a jacket. Bitty stood up from his desk chair. Jack’s jacket! He forgot to give it back. He should go over to his room and give it back. But something stopped him. He was still crying, he looked like a mess, and Jack was probably sleeping, anyway. Bitty took a few steps toward the door, but turned around. He put a hand over his mouth to stop a sob from breaking through.

Then the door to his room opened. Bitty whirled around to see Jack, standing there with his mouth open.

“Bittle,” he said. Bitty wiped his eyes quickly. He started to pull off the jacket.

“I am so sorry, Jack. I must’ve forgotten to give it back-”

“Bittle.” Jack was very close now. He looked like he was trying to think of something to say.

“I am such a mess right now, let me just-”

“Bitty.” Jack both hands on the sides of Bitty’s face. Bitty looked up at him, shocked still.

Then Jack kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> It's time for ~Glenn uses characters to vent about his anxiety~  
> This one started as my usual Gotta Get The Thoughts On Paper but I ended up really liking the story so i actually finished it!! Jack is really my Mood all the time.  
> Also I know that Bitty wasn't really saying the Right things about anxiety and his words were kinda wrong but I thought that was more accurate to his knowledge and all that. And his phrases and such come from the mouth of my own southern mama and family  
> Hope y'all like it!


End file.
